To Havilah Smith
Nurse extraordinaire. We'd laugh. We'd hug. We felt mutually loved. The Summer years of life and such I suppose. Sorry for creating distance when you simultaneously came out as preferring a female partner and divulged how you thought I was gay ahaha (
). Oh, boy did that crap hurt my feelings - didn't hit for a few years, however. Then I decided I wanted nothing to do with those feelings of inferiority
(edited: for being wrongly profiled; eh, feedback is invaluable to baseline how people see me is the point - who cares about what people think about sexual orientation). The anxiety. I couldn't even order food that day. I failed to realize that separating the umbilical cord was necessary to enjoy the freedom that brought you so much joy at the restaurant. After the last time you bought us vegan burgers, I decided to jettison our friendship. If it even existed at that point. Thanks for inviting me to your parent's place for Thanksgiving. Thanks for daring me to run around without pants on. Tbh, I wasn't mentally autonomous to go visit with you, despite my Father turning out to live 5 minutes down the street in Portland, Oregon as we would find out later lol. I apologize for not telling you I loved and cared for you in a way that buddies do, ya know? As a friend. I supposed I felt trapped in time from realizing how unready I was for college, the collegiate socializing. I stare into the void of those vague memories and... you know how I know I still care about you? They go from blurry and greyscale to vividly colorful. I suppose it's true what they say. Thoughts dictate your emotions. Unless you've lost your sense of humor. That day I met you in the college cafeteria. Gorgeous. Long, leggy, spaghetti string straps, so much charisma. Thanks for teaching me to ease into a better version of myself. She taught me how to be a friend. How many people can say that about another? Later kid. *blue colored hearts*
"My favourite song from one of my favourite albums, Nena asking you to please, please let her be your pirate. So smooth and joyful, I have to listen to it three times if I listen once" - ashi
