If you could change anything about your personality, what would it be?

Worldly and otherworldly topics
starla
Posts: 90
Joined: Sun Feb 14, 2021 12:28 am

Re: If you could change anything about your personality, what would it be?

Post by starla » Thu Mar 18, 2021 3:44 am

I'd be more naturally outgoing. I'm not because it wouldn't be natural, and I'd be miserable.

User avatar
Light Leak
Posts: 34
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2021 11:56 pm

Re: If you could change anything about your personality, what would it be?

Post by Light Leak » Fri Mar 19, 2021 4:13 pm

Madrigal wrote:
Thu Mar 18, 2021 2:22 am
Light Leak wrote:
Wed Mar 17, 2021 10:36 pm
Better decision making. I don't know how to choose.
You just did. :cool:

Ok yeah, I can make some decisions like that, but I get stuck on a lot of decisions. There's pros and cons of all the decisions and I feel like I get crippled and don't know what to choose. I'd like to say it just happens on major decisions, but it happens on things like which size shoes should I buy. Do I want them to feel more snug? Do I want a little bit of extra space? I can see pros and cons of both so I don't know. Making decisions causes a lot of anxiety for me. Then even after I make it I'll second guess myself.

User avatar
elfsprin
Posts: 300
Joined: Thu Feb 25, 2021 10:11 pm
Location: Minneapolis, MN

Re: If you could change anything about your personality, what would it be?

Post by elfsprin » Wed Mar 24, 2021 8:50 am

< novel>

I think I'd choose to have a better understanding of how people perceive me and why. I'd also like to find other people less frustrating.

It seems to be about 50/50 whether people think I'm a sweetheart or a super badass (specifically I mean strangers). I don't know why.

Most people are really intimidated by me either way, and I don't understand why. Anecdote: I decided to see a therapist in 2019 when I was getting ready to come out as queer and polyamorous to my parents; I wanted to run my plan/thoughts on options for what to do if XYZ happened by an impartial third party and check in if they saw any obvious flaws/places where I could be more conscientious of others' feelings etc. We ended up talking about a lot more than just coming out to my folks; she gave really solid feedback on the topic of coming out, and I thought maybe she could help me with social stuff/being less of a dumbass socially. After about four one hour sessions, she admitted to me that she was really nervous at our first meeting which was unprecedented for her - that she'd found me very intimidating, but now she didn't feel that way anymore at all. I asked her if she could give me any feedback on why I prompted this reaction, and despite thinking about it for two more weeks she couldn't offer me any explanation. She ended up flailing and asking me to explain why I thought I prompted such reactions from people.

I also tried to see if she had any insight on my Frustrations With People. Anecdote: since buying my current house, which is large, I've been providing affordable housing to young queer folks who need a chance to get back on their feet. I have a finished basement and a finished third floor and was renting both out to different folks for about two years. I wanted to provide this as a kind of service to my community, but I found it endlessly frustrating. People living here, all of whom I thought I knew fairly well and whom I was 'in community' with, did the most ridiculous and illogical things and it drove me crazy. For example, one person often walked her dogs in the middle of the night, and she'd leave the front door unlocked and wide open when she was out walking at 4 am. She also would eat my food without asking, including meals I'd obviously prepared as a lunch or dinner. I communicated to her several times that this was not something that I was ok with. She responded some time later, upon coming home with some plastic bags from the gas station, that she 'wasn't going to separate plastic bags into yours and mine!!' This was her way of expressing to me that she found the concept of refraining from eating each others' food as ridiculous as doing something like keeping each persons' old plastic bags separate when we chucked them in a drawer to reuse in trash cans or whatever. Another person caused a 600$ electricity bill their first December here, and when we talked about it I found out they were leaving space heaters on 24/7 at 80 degrees (a fire hazard!) even though they were out of the house for school and work 16 hours a day. Another person just used all my stuff without asking. I'd need my portable phone charger and I'd go to where I'd had it charging and it would be gone. I'd need my drill and it would be gone. I talked with them about it and said I'd be ok with them using my things if they asked (if removing the thing from the house, like the charger they'd taken with them on a trip) and if they put the things back wherever they had found them when they were done (like the drill) so I'd be able to find it. They said they would. But, they continued to not ask and to not put things back - citing their ADHD as the reason why they couldn't remember to do so. Things like locking the house doors in the middle of the night, not eating someone else's food, not causing a fire hazard, not taking someone else's things out of the house without asking fall, for me, under the category of Really Fucking Obvious and it was so frustrating to have to come in like these adults' mom and talk about it and explain why such things weren't cool.

I talked with the therapist about how, when I constantly see people failing to do things that IMO are super obvious, I end up spiraling and thinking 'where does it end? How many obvious things do I need to proactively point out to people so that they don't fail to do them?' Then I feel like a bad person because going into excessive detail about things that are obvious feels, to me, equivalent with assuming that all people are utter idiots. I have a huge push/pull, as a trope in my life, with feeling like everyone is an idiot then feeling wretched that I think so poorly of people. With each progressive renter, I'd talk with them before they moved in about things prior renters had done that were ridiculous. 'I've had my home, or place I was staying, invaded four times and they were all very traumatic and expensive experiences. I want to feel safe in my own home. I have an expectation that when you leave the house, you'd lock the doors. Does that seem reasonable to you?' for example. Despite the fact that I had already explained that I have consent conversations/expectation-setting conversations with everyone before they move in, the therapist ended up just regurgitating back what I'd already said to her: that I should talk about all these expectations proactively at the outset.

I had had an expectation-setting conversation with her over email before we had our first session. When she was saying how intimidating I was, she brought up that exchange. I had merely stated that I'm not into Woo and had asked if she incorporated things like 'energy,' reiki, astrology, etc into her therapy, because this wasn't what I was looking for in a relationship with a therapist. I thought it was a perfectly reasonable exchange around expectations. However, that exchange was the only thing she thought might have intimidated her. She also asked 'why would you ask me something like that before having a session' and I had to explain that I was having a consent conversation with her -- the same kind of consent conversation I had with renters, and that she had said I should be having with renters (as if I wasn't already). When I explained it was a consent/expectation-setting conversation, she acted like this was a revelation and I felt like I was the one giving coaching to her.

I don't change because when I ask people why they find me so intimidating off the cuff, they either think I'm super egotistical and treat me snidely or they do try to give honest feedback but come up utterly empty of any insight.

When I try to work towards feeling less frustrating with people, I go into fractal analysis paralysis if I try to figure it out by myself; whenever I try to talk about it with someone else to escape this descent into madness, they become a prime example of Why People Are Frustrating.

</ novel>
Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity - Simone Weil

User avatar
Utisz
Posts: 676
Joined: Fri Nov 22, 2019 4:35 am

Re: If you could change anything about your personality, what would it be?

Post by Utisz » Fri Mar 26, 2021 12:17 am

elfsprin wrote:
Wed Mar 24, 2021 8:50 am
Most people are really intimidated by me either way, and I don't understand why.
Curious! I guess most people who are intimidating know why that is (like this guy).
I talked with the therapist about how, when I constantly see people failing to do things that IMO are super obvious, I end up spiraling and thinking 'where does it end?
In that case, based on years of experience, my advice is to never accept Madrigal into your home.
(Pro tip: I think she can only cross the threshold if she's invited in.)

User avatar
Madrigal
Posts: 619
Joined: Fri Nov 22, 2019 8:59 am

Re: If you could change anything about your personality, what would it be?

Post by Madrigal » Fri Mar 26, 2021 9:10 am

elfsprin wrote:
Wed Mar 24, 2021 8:50 am
< novel>

I think I'd choose to have a better understanding of how people perceive me and why. I'd also like to find other people less frustrating.

It seems to be about 50/50 whether people think I'm a sweetheart or a super badass (specifically I mean strangers). I don't know why.
Damn, now I'm curious which one I'd think you are. :nerd:

Anyway, I don't know if you can compare therapists to pyschoanalysts, but psychoanalysts are some of the most structured people I've ever met, and behind that rigid structure there is often a big ball of hang-ups. I'm making a huge generalization, but I find they have a sort of hyper awareness of the way things should be when they're normal, and when something challenges that outside a professional setting, they will analyze the hell out of it. I once listened to a psychoanalyst speak for 20 minutes about how she was always served a cookie with her coffee at this café she frequented, and one day the cookie just wasn't there anymore, and wasn't coming back - and she hates it when she can't rely on something happening that had been happening that way for a long time. I would have liked to see my poker face just then, lol. (Maybe it's because she was Freudian, and the ones I know are all Freudian.) Anyway, when you told this lady you weren't into Woo, before having had a session, maybe she felt challenged just then as she may not be used to having her approach questioned or vetted beforehand, and maybe you sent her into one of those analysis spirals where she's wondering if anything about her approach might seem unprofessional to you.

I think some of us are used to living with a bit of chaos, imperfection and unexpected things happening, but certain people craft a world where these things are rooted out as much as possible, and some career paths seem more prone to that than others.
Utisz wrote:
Fri Mar 26, 2021 12:17 am
In that case, based on years of experience, my advice is to never accept Madrigal into your home.
(Pro tip: I think she can only cross the threshold if she's invited in.)
:whistle:

User avatar
elfsprin
Posts: 300
Joined: Thu Feb 25, 2021 10:11 pm
Location: Minneapolis, MN

Re: If you could change anything about your personality, what would it be?

Post by elfsprin » Sat Mar 27, 2021 4:19 am

Utisz wrote:
elfsprin wrote:
Wed Mar 24, 2021 8:50 am
Most people are really intimidated by me either way, and I don't understand why.
Curious! I guess most people who are intimidating know why that is (like this guy).
I really don't know why. I have theories that it as to do with coming off as really confident, even though socially I am the opposite of confident. My observation is that folks tend to flock to confident people, so there's something else involved which probably has to do with being an INTp. Awkward confidence maybe. I would like to gain insight because while I don't want to be the star of the party or anything like that, I would like to be able to meet some new people more easily.

Madrigal wrote:
Fri Mar 26, 2021 9:10 am
elfsprin wrote:
Wed Mar 24, 2021 8:50 am
< novel>

I think I'd choose to have a better understanding of how people perceive me and why. I'd also like to find other people less frustrating.

It seems to be about 50/50 whether people think I'm a sweetheart or a super badass (specifically I mean strangers). I don't know why.
Damn, now I'm curious which one I'd think you are. :nerd:
I'd be interested too, because maybe you could offer insight as to why :lol: I'm also unusually memorable. Anecdote: I stopped at a Dairy queen once that was three hours away on a trip back from a cabin. I stopped there again 4 years later and the server remembered me and my order.

The longest similar scenario was having 8 years between going to the same bar, and the bartender remembering my order from my last visit.
Anyway, I don't know if you can compare therapists to pyschoanalysts, but psychoanalysts are some of the most structured people I've ever met, and behind that rigid structure there is often a big ball of hang-ups. I'm making a huge generalization, but I find they have a sort of hyper awareness of the way things should be when they're normal, and when something challenges that outside a professional setting, they will analyze the hell out of it. I once listened to a psychoanalyst speak for 20 minutes about how she was always served a cookie with her coffee at this café she frequented, and one day the cookie just wasn't there anymore, and wasn't coming back - and she hates it when she can't rely on something happening that had been happening that way for a long time. I would have liked to see my poker face just then, lol. (Maybe it's because she was Freudian, and the ones I know are all Freudian.) Anyway, when you told this lady you weren't into Woo, before having had a session, maybe she felt challenged just then as she may not be used to having her approach questioned or vetted beforehand, and maybe you sent her into one of those analysis spirals where she's wondering if anything about her approach might seem unprofessional to you.

I think some of us are used to living with a bit of chaos, imperfection and unexpected things happening, but certain people craft a world where these things are rooted out as much as possible, and some career paths seem more prone to that than others.
Perhaps that's it. She didn't actually raise the woo convo as a potential reason... at our last session she just said she couldn't pinpoint why she was so intimidated; later she ended up asking why I'd reached out to ask her about her practice etc. So I inferred that that was probably part of why, and she just didn't realize it.
Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity - Simone Weil

baccheion
Posts: 12
Joined: Wed Mar 03, 2021 12:25 am

Re: If you could change anything about your personality, what would it be?

Post by baccheion » Mon Mar 29, 2021 12:24 am

More extroverted and more motivated. The "who would you want to be" test on similarminds put me as desiring ENTJ traits and an ENFJ significant other (unsure about latter, as I tend to not like them).

Most of these aspirations can be realized with nootropics, supplements, diet, and consumption (of videos, blogs, books, forums, etc on the subjects).

Nootropics. CRON-o-meter. Genetic testing.

User avatar
SomeInternetBloke
Posts: 844
Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2021 2:30 am
Location: Central California
Formerly: Makes Sense

Re: If you could change anything about your personality, what would it be?

Post by SomeInternetBloke » Sun Apr 04, 2021 5:56 am

to stop being so damn clev... *coughs and spits up a hair ball then plays with it* :hi:
"My favourite song from one of my favourite albums, Nena asking you to please, please let her be your pirate. So smooth and joyful, I have to listen to it three times if I listen once" - ashi

User avatar
Buttrock as zen
Posts: 58
Joined: Fri Feb 26, 2021 6:23 am
Formerly: stuck

Re: If you could change anything about your personality, what would it be?

Post by Buttrock as zen » Sun Apr 04, 2021 7:27 am

Try to not be a walking memento mori all the time

User avatar
DJ Drug Problem
Posts: 154
Joined: Sat Feb 13, 2021 9:25 pm
Formerly: DJ Fresh Produce
Contact:

Re: If you could change anything about your personality, what would it be?

Post by DJ Drug Problem » Sun Apr 04, 2021 8:26 pm

The girl at o'reilly auto parts said "why do you have to be so uncertain all the time" and it got me to laugh pretty hard so I would change that except the only reason I am that way is because I have a lot of thoughts to sort through and not enough time to do it so actually I guess something else because I'd have to be dumber to be more certain about things but on the other hand istps seem pretty zen and more practical and who needs all of this goobledeegook speculativity if it isn't productive ultimately anyway it's just kind of flair that gets in the way in my case isn't it especially if everything is rapidly turning into mad max there isn't really a place for bumbling psuedointellectuals reading and spelling good doesn't really keep people alive and in money

Post Reply